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Little known fact: I almost killed my mom. From what I’ve been told, birthing me was a difficult process that nearly took my mother’s life. Five years before that, my sister was born and went on to be a successful dentist who owns her own practice. And here I am:

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Needless to say, I have to believe part of her is pissed she almost died for that. But she’d never admit it because my mother is pretty damn great. She taught me to have a strong moral compass, to always be prepared, and to be hopeful about life.

FUN MOM FACT: I once told Hailey I was going to say something completely vulgar in front of her to embarrass my mom. I did and my mom responded with something even more vulgar. It made me so proud.

She also taught me to keep the pillows neatly arranged on a couch because, I think, if they are not, Hell will erupt through the Earth’s crust and envelop us all. So keep the pillows arranged!

I will forever be in debt to my mother because she let me be me. Sometime in high school, I think she realized I was a weird dude and she decided to embrace that. I started getting away with a little more. I was able to use salty language without getting in trouble. I had a public access show where her only request was to please not embarrass her (SPOILER ALERT: I did many times.) But she never forbid me from doing things. She always just asked me to keep things in check and I really believe that wiggle room allowed me to grow as a person.

FUN MOM FACT: She even participated in short films! Check out this opus, Hitboys II Men. My dad also plays a part, but my mom’s small cameo (with her pug) starts around three minutes in.

She worries too much. She’s always worried about me, my sister, everything. And I understand why, but I wish I could fix it. I always hoped that I’d be successful enough that I could pay off all my parents’ bills and get her to quit her job and just relax. I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon (unless I get that sweet book deal that everyone gets from doing a blog for a few weeks, right!? Where is that at!?) She deserves some relaxation after putting up with me all these years. I owe her that much.

FUN MOM FACT: When she gets sorta drunk, she easily buys me more DVDs and books than she should.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom. Thanks for letting me doing all the dumb things I’ve done and supporting the even dumber things I will do in the future. If you don’t like it, it’s your fault.

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